Thoughts 4.3.22

I’ve been spending sometime lately thinking on what I want. It’s a question we respond to everyday, by the way in which we order and determine our lives. We make choices, most of them subconsciously, writing down the answer to this question with the way we spend the minutes and moments we are given. Yet, this question and her respective answers are so subjective to each one of our experiences. I know some people who live in a way that seems like their answer to this question was etched in stone and handed down from the heavens. I know people who live intentionally opposite from what their answer would be, but the state and reality of their life requires a refusal and a pragmatic response different for the sake of those they love. There are those of us who know what the answer is and out of past experience or future anxiety refuse to acknowledge the truth, and would rather live in a known bondage, compared to an unknown freedom. Then there are those who simply have too many answers to know which one is right. I’ve often been blessed with this outcome. Too many good choices, which inevitably left me with decision paralysis and a floating in my nature. I tend to allow my beautifully mundane aspects of life boil up into cosmic existential and often dramatic chasms of uncertainty. I’m getting better though. I’m learning to not blame the current for the direction of life while feeling the wind blow past furled sails. I’m finding sailing can often be confused with drifting. Just because you’re going somewhere doesn’t mean you’re going where you want. Here’s where I am restarting on the search for the answer to this question. For like life, we must constantly start and restart this process. It’s is a variable, not a constant, so the answers are always changing. I’m starting with what I don’t want. I don’t want to add to the chaos of the world. I don’t want to lie or justify falsehoods in order to achieve something for an individualistic advance. I don’t want to mail it in. I don’t want to be quick to point fingers or cast stones. I don’t want to have an opinion on everything that sounds like I’ve been thinking on it for years when it really just popped into my head. I don’t want to add fuel to the fire of hate and arrogance. I don’t want to be someone people increasingly enjoy less being around. There’s lots more. And since l the since then question never stops her asking, we must never grow tired of offering up a response. Today I’ll add this to my answer, I don’t want to add chaos to the world.